Trust Your Heart and Follow Your Dreams

As a little girl, sitting in front of the TV and watching someone in the jungle saving wild animals, my eyes lit up with the glow of Christmas lights. I felt alive in that moment. But as the light dimmed, darkness surrounded me. I believed I only deserved to live in a fairy tale, where others could love me and be around me. I subjected myself to acts of violence.

Years passed, and I became addicted to violence—psychological, physical, sexual. I destroyed my home, spent all my money on maintaining a perfect exterior, while behind closed doors, tears rolled down my cheeks. I ate unhealthy food to numb my emotions, picked at my skin to shut out feelings, spoke demeaningly to myself and others to drown my emotions, all fueled by self-hatred.

I couldn't stand to look at myself in the mirror. I hated mirrors, despised the reflection staring back at me. I covered up with layers of clothing, avoided mirrors, and took quicker showers, unable to touch my own body. I rushed through, choosing actions that inflicted pain upon myself when emotions surfaced.

One day, I made eye contact with myself in the mirror. I resembled a lifeless figure, unrecognizable to myself. The radiance in my face was gone. I was worse off, closed off to feeling. What did I want in life? What was my purpose? Where did I fit in the world? What is the meaning of life? What is my favorite color? What food do I enjoy that works with my body?

Pale as a corpse and on anxiety pills, I didn't want to cause pain to those I loved—my family and close friends. The truth was that I caused them pain by just being in their presence. They missed hearing me laugh. They missed seeing me smile. I had lost my laughter and smile, absent for over a year. The mirror gazing was in 2013.

The anxiety pills found their way into the trash. I terminated the lease, got fired, packed up all my belongings, and headed to Borneo. I chose to trust my heart and follow my dream, the dream I had as a little child. I chose to trust my gut feeling. When I asked myself a question, I chose to believe the first answer that came to me. When my coaches asked me a question, I chose to believe the first answer that arose within me.

Choice after choice, I believed and stopped explaining myself. I stopped creating beliefs that I needed to feel good and be understood. Many times, I didn't understand myself, so seeking understanding today doesn't make sense. I am the most important, and understanding comes from the ego, so the ego can relax. I need your acceptance. Following my dreams saved my life from taking my own life in the car in 2028, playing with it around my neck.